Africa Journal - March 2010 part 6

Day 4

My complete journal entry from Tuesday, 6:00 am, Malawi:

“God woke me up again sometime before 5:00. The manner was different this time—I was not worried or agitated. But I feel—passion, urgency and burden. I feel more alive here. I have passion inside me, trapped. It comes out when I teach. I love music, but I feel no call to go teach it. But teaching others discipleship, how to live for God, and how to lead others—now THAT gives me huge passion. What does this mean? What am I to do? God is silent—yet not. I have no booming answer. But here is what I have today—Matthew 25:14-30. A parable, one I read in preparation for this trip, in fact. I understood it on some level at that time, but reading it this morning made me cry. I don’t want to be the lazy evil slave with 1 talent, who buries it—who not only doesn’t use it, but doesn’t even share it with others so they can use it. And I am. And I am convicted. God help me know what to do and how to serve. My mind is rampant with musings and meditation. Show me, God.”

Tuesday was a logistical day for me, and after all the emotion from the two days prior, and all the burden still fresh from the morning, that was probably a good thing. Rodney and I stayed behind at Esther’s House while the others went into the village, and we cleaned and organized the supply closet there at Esther’s House (LOTS of stuff just sitting in there right now because it was all just jumbled and thrown in there—hopefully, now those things will get given away and put to good use) and also we helped price and organize the souvenirs for our team. Instead of our team going into the city somewhere and shopping for overpriced trinkets, a vendor came to Esther’s House with goods. A reasonable price was reached for each item, and the vendor left his things with us for the afternoon. We then re-priced all of the items, with the small mark-up going as proceeds to Esther’s House. When the team came in for lunch, everyone shopped and bought what they wanted, at a cheaper price then we would have gotten otherwise, but still with a profit margin to donate to the orphanage (everybody wins!). We then counted all of the money, separated the Esther’s House cut from the vendor’s proceeds, and tallied all of the items left to make sure everything added up. So that was a different, but very full and busy day for me.

The up?-side to that was that Rodney and I were not available to handle the afternoon adult discipleship, so we passed that torch onto a husband/wife couple on the team. Now this was unexpected, and they were not prepared. The session, while personally burdensome, had been such a high the day before…when we were able to “break through” and find out what the widows really needed to hear and unload on them…that I was so excited for this couple, about what they were fixing to get to experience. They did not necessarily see it in the same light. (Completely understandable…had it been reversed, I would have been freaking out!) I gave them several ideas, told them about the day before, and assured them it was going to be SO AWESOME for them. Long story short, later that night, they said they had NOT been happy at ALL about being thrust into that, but that they were SO glad in the end, because it was an AMAZING and POWERFUL time. And while I missed not going out that morning and teaching that afternoon, I was so glad to be able to have shared that experience with them, by my absence! (I am constantly amazed…God really does know what He’s doing…WHO KNEW??)

My journal entry for the day ends somewhat frustrated. Rodney’s translator pulled me aside and talked with me today. He said he sees a passion for missions in me. I laughed and wondered what he had thought of me initially, on Saturday? He agreed that he didn’t think much of me on that day. I laughed again and agreed. I told him God had called me to a meeting Saturday night, and since then, things had been different. He was very serious when he asked me my commitment level to missions and told me that he was praying for me. He agreed strongly with me that the people of Malawi need discipleship. They need to be taught how to grow in the Lord. Am I one to help do that? I don’t know, but I am humbled and awed that this man would seek me out and encourage me and pray for me…and see something in me that I have a hard time seeing in myself. Which all leads to the frustration. I was not equipped enough before coming on this trip. (I’m just thankful God was gracious enough to give me a middle-of-the-night holy crash course). The new Malawi converts are not equipped at all. There are time, money and logistical mountains in the way. And the vision for people to see the need…the need beyond conversion numbers…the need for true feeding. The need for “Pauls”…strong Christians to come in, set up a Christian hub, get it going, and then move on, encouraging along the way.

“I am eager to help, but how?...There are so many hurdles and barriers to work through…I feel so much passion in this, but what does God want me to do???”