Day 2I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep. The air was hot and stuffy, and my mind was swirling. There was a repeating beat coming from somewhere outside that gave those early morning hours a surreal quality. I knew Sunday would be long, and I told myself to go back to sleep…but God had other plans. The events from the day before came back. My mind would not stop. I started thinking about going out to evangelize in the village, and ideas started coming. I started seeing myself meeting people and telling them about Jesus. I did not stutter or stammer in my mind. I thought ahead to the Widow’s session later that afternoon. I went through the plans I had made, and instead of things falling apart like I was afraid of, things went perfectly in my mind. In spite of myself, I started to look forward to the day. I started praising God, and after a bit longer, I absolutely could not wait to go back to the villages on Monday. I was so excited about the Widows session. I was ready for morning! I finally fell back to sleep.
Of course, then morning came and reality hit. I was exhausted and still scared. What seemed so clear in the dead of night with God breathing on me was now murky and unclear. The following is from my early morning writings: “God is breaking me…I feel so inadequate…there is still no power and water, so no hair dryer this morning…The only way I will make it through today’s very long and rigorous day is God holding me up. I’m about at the end of myself.” God had me about as low as I could go. Dirty, tired, hot. My hair was a wreck so I felt like I looked awful. Group tensions. No sleep. Dizzy spells (side effect from the Malaria medicine). Emotional pressure. Constant feelings of inadequacy. And it was time to go.
I wish there was a way to describe that day to you in a way that would do it justice. We arrived at Esther’s House and church service started….I journaled later that ”it was an amazing experience. The way these people worship and celebrate with each other…is incomprehensible…” I danced and sang with the Malawians. The language barrier, my white skin, my greasy hair…none of that mattered. I held a little girl that wanted to sit in my lap and I just cried. I layed hands on a toddler that was sick and cried some more. After lunch, I danced alongside the widows before their program started. I felt no nervousness when I got up to talk. My only job was to introduce the group and give them an overview of our “lesson plan” before handing it over to the first speaker in our group. But God decided to alter the plan a bit. I surprised myself when I touched the arm of my interpreter and asked her to stay so I could give my testimony. My mind was shouting “Beth! What are you doing! This is NOT on the plan…you do NOT even have your notes with you. You’re going to freeze up in the middle!” But there was no stopping this. I gave my testimony, somewhat aware that my teammates were sitting behind me with their mouths open. When I was done, someone told me “Good Job!” I remember focusing on them and murmuring blankly…”I didn’t know I was going to do that…That wasn’t me!” Everyone did their part of our plan and it was amazing. Our session was on Peace, Love and Joy. When each topic had been talked about, then my part was go get up and tie it all together by teaching the song “Peace Like a River”. It was so amazing, all of us singing and hand motioning together.
The day continued after that…we took showers at Esther’s House (a cold trickle, but the best shower I’ve ever had). Back at the house, we made some awesome chicken spaghetti for the team for supper. And just when the day couldn’t get much better, the power came back on, and I got to dry my hair! Of course, one victory does not a war win, as my journal will testify. “Can tomorrow or the days after possibly measure up to today? Was the victory a one-time high? What happens to my mindset when I freeze in terror again? Or maybe even worse, what happens when I don’t, and get prideful? God can lift me up and He can take me down. I know God has a purpose for me, something more…something new, something bigger. He just has to get me to the place where He can use me first.”Fast-forward to 11:00pm that night. My journal reads: “God is so good! Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life…[but] God didn’t just sustain me today, He showed Himself POWERFUL and MIGHTY and above all TRUSTWORTHY.
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