Africa, Revisited - part 2

Patience

I was praying for a quick answer. The very next morning I opened my Kindle to continue my “read through the Bible in a year” project that I had going. I had stopped the day before right in the middle of a reading passage, in Psalms. I picked up where I left off and read “Psalm 37:7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him…” I sighed in resignation. Seriously, God? First verse of the day? I paged back to catch the entire passage. “Psalm 37:3-7 Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him…” I had two words running through my mind…It figures. It was God’s Holy Word and all, but maybe I should try a different source. I opened the Bible study I was working on, Experiencing God. The topic for that day dealt with knowing and doing the will of God. Perfect! I’ll get my answer here, for sure! And what do you know, right there on the second page in a series of bullet points of things that helped George Mueller know God’s will: He waited patiently on God until he had a word from God. Ok, ok—third time in 24 hours hearing “be patient”. I get the point, already!

Wednesday

The informational meeting for the August Africa team was the following Wednesday. As the weekend rolled and the work-week started, I was increasingly anxious. Am I supposed to go? I kept talking about the upcoming meeting in terms of “if”. As in “if” I was going to the meeting. Yeah, right. If. I seriously felt like I could throw up by Wednesday night. I didn’t want to go to the meeting and admit that this thing going on in me was a reality. But I knew if I didn’t go, I would be outright rejecting the call I had been feeling all week, and direct defiance has never really been my thing. What will people say? It will not be a secret that I just returned from a trip in March. Is this completely indulgent? Or just fanatical? On the outside, I had a smile and a brisk walk. On the inside, I was heading to the gallows.

Meeting

I was not the last one to enter a room full of questioning people, like I somewhat feared. I was one of the first. And the director of missions was outside in the hallway, alone. My appearance there was not puzzling to him, as we had been in contact since my trip in March, him advising me on how I could fit into our church’s mission program and be a helpful asset from right here in the States. After a moment of casual conversation, I revealed the main reason I was there. Instead of the reaction of surprise I had feared, carefully measured support came from his eyes. He’s heard and seen this before. Me wanting to go again isn’t a shock to him. I felt relief. Three different people walked by while I was standing there. All of them knew me, and guessed immediately why I was there. While there was some surprise, it was pleasant and supporting. One of them had been on the March trip with me. She hugged me tight out of encouragement and probably a bit of happy envy. She had brought another woman to the meeting, one I knew on a hello-type basis. This woman was nervous to be there. Wanting to go on the trip, but scared to death at the thought. Just like me in March. I walked into the room with her. I felt like I was right where I needed to be.

Malawi-Bound

So I have decided to go on the trip in August. I never received an audible word from God, or an airplane dream, or a verse that says “Go ye therefore to Africa in August”—but ever since the meeting I have felt a peace. I think God wants me to learn and practice patience. I think He wants me to learn how to be quiet and listen. I think He wants me to bow to my own agenda and take on His. And I think he wants me in Malawi in August. Why me? I don’t know—maybe because I’m willing. But every time I voice the question Why Beth? the words of a friend keeping coming back to me. Why not Beth?

Africa, Revisited - part 1

Back to Africa?

I felt the call to go again on Wednesday morning, May 12th. There was nothing special about that day, and no particular reason to be thinking especially about Africa. But the thought entered Hey, what about the August trip? and for some reason the thought lodged, like a piece of dry powdered donut that just won’t swallow right. My usual inclination is to dismiss thoughts that don’t jive with Beth’s Preconceived Order of Things, but for some reason I decided to give this one my ear, if only for a moment. I made a deal with myself, and God, if He was indeed the one daring to suggest I do things somebody else’s way other than my own. I will try this idea on, like a new winter coat. I’ll wear it around for an hour or two this morning and see how it feels. And then I will most likely shuck it off and hang it in the closet where it belongs until it is what I deem the proper time to wear it. And I think at that point that maybe I heard God laugh.

Arguments

Over the course of that day, I started to sweat underneath that layer of the Africa coat. Part of me really wanted to keep it on, and part of me really wanted to rip it off. The timing is all wrong! It is too soon! But too soon for what? Sooner than I had imagined, sure. Sooner than many people would think it was prudent to return, certainly. But not too soon for the people in Malawi. Not too soon for all of those people desperate for someone willing to come and share with them what it means to live a Christian life. The kids will be in school…just go look at the calendar! Yup, school would already be in session. But wait, that simply means that 3 out of 4 of my children are already being cared for from 8:00-3:00 every day. Doesn’t that actually work in my favor? And hrm, what is this? The realization that most of their busy calendar activities don’t start until after Labor Day. The reality upon looking that my calendar is very blank those two weeks. Money! You don’t have enough saved up yet! No, but I did have a decent start. And I could use my church’s fundraising program, sending out letters for additional sponsorship. And what an excellent excuse to share with even more people about my trip, regardless if they felt led to contribute financially or not! There was the distinct sound of a zipper. I had the sinking feeling that this coat wasn’t coming off any time soon.

Busted!

I’m going to have to tell this. There’s nothing like knowing a secret you will be forced to spill eventually. Everywhere I looked I wondered What will he think? Is she going to have a cow? Maybe I can just change my mind and forget I’m even thinking about this. But then I thought about Jonah and knew I wasn’t interested in seeing God’s version of my whale. I saw one of my prayer partners that night at church. She mentioned Africa, and the upcoming trip in August. I’m no poker player, obviously, because she peered at my face and said You’re going back, aren’t you? I admitted I was considering it, and asked her to pray for me, because whether I ended up going or not in the end, I was going to have to go home and tell my secret. She beamed at me and I felt a moment of relief.

Revelation

I’m going to be sick. Am I crazy? Am I just so excited about my March trip that I’m getting ahead of myself? Or am I just inflating my ego by projecting some made-up self-importance that leads me to want to go back again so soon to prove that I’m somehow needed? Or is God truly calling me to go back in August? I put it off as long as possible, which is standard for me. It was after lights-out, which is also typical. That way I can hide in the darkness. I won’t have to see whatever it is I will see on my husband’s face when I tell. Of course he knew something was wrong. He always does. Sometimes he pushes me, with varying levels of success, and sometimes he doesn’t. I love it and hate it when he pushes. Tonight he didn’t have to push. It all just came spewing out, in a cryptic and tangled rush. But I eventually got to the bottom line. I’m not for sure but I think I need to go back to Africa with the August team. And his ultimate answer? Pray about it. Be patient and not anxious as you wait for an answer. But if God is calling you to go again, you go. We will work out the details here at home. I make up a lot of trivial things to be disappointed about along the way, but it’s times like these that I don’t question why I love this man. Sometimes he knows just the right thing to say.

Introduction

Hello, my name is Elizabeth Allison Cross Tollett and none of you know me. Oh, you know of me, or you know what you think you know about me. But you don’t really know me. I look in the mirror at times and don’t even know myself, so don’t feel bad about that. I have looked in the mirror countless other times and haven’t wanted to know me. Not because I have some deep, dark secret. Not because I’m a horrible person. But because I’ve been such a pathetic example of a Christian life.

I became a Jesus-believer, born-again, Christian follower around the age of 6. I don’t remember a whole lot about it, but I have never doubted that it was absolutely sincere. What I haven’t done since then is live it. And for that I’m ashamedly regretful.

Revelation 3 talks of the lukewarm church of Laodicea. God talks of spitting their lukewarm yuckiness from his mouth. As I like my cocoa scathing hot or my water ice cold, I get this. Believe and act like it, or don’t believe and at least not be hypocritical about it. There is no value in riding the fence.

Our nation is in trouble. Our world is tilting out of control. We try to fix the anger, the sadness, the despair—with all sorts of things. We need our President…or a new President. We need to go to war…or we need to boycott the wars. We all need drugs…or maybe we need to ban all of the drugs. We need to be accepting of others to the point of not having any rights ourselves. Acceptance of our jobs, our income, our friends, our contacts, our relationships, our orientation—can’t we all just love one another and live in peace? But none of that is the answer. We will never have personal peace and we will never see reform in this world—until this nation returns to God-centered lives. And it starts with those of us who claim to be God followers.

My blog is not about harassing anyone to follow God. It is not about converting, preaching, or condemning. It is about one regular person, a stay-at-home mom with four children, who had everything outwardly going for her but was simply going through the motions of life. Until one day when she finally did what she felt God was calling her to do, and since then has been experiencing the rush of John 10:10b …I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Is your life full of good things or junk? Do you have peace? Or, like me, do you look into the mirror and try to reconcile what you see there with what you feel and know to be true on the inside?

God took me to Africa to open up my eyes and heart. It would be my desire for everyone to feel what I’ve felt. Come and go on this journey with me and see what God might want to say to you.